I remember everything, I fucking remember every single thing, down to the last damn detail. I remember my first kiss with Monica playing spin the bottle in the back of the middle school, it lasted 10 seconds. Then of course, the time when I was the only kid with casual clothes on a regular friday, weirdo. I remember being afraid of older kids I could have beat the crap out of. I remember my first surf, my first sex session, I remember my first cigarette. Or how about the time I lied to my parents and I got caught? Smartass, you thought you knew it all. Time flies, so damn fast! I remember Erica and her fucked up world, and how I was nowhere near good enough to make her shit feelings be any different than or at least the same as a stray dog eating out of a garbage bag. I remember how I liked Natasha, and then I met Alexandra a week later and I forgot about Natasha. Even though Alexandra turned out to be my first love, and who would rather me be dead now, I wish I would have just for that time, made something happen with Natasha, I mean we had everything in common, she was absolutely badass! And she brought me soup when I was sick, wtf! who does that if they dont care for you? Thing is, she wont talk to me anymore because I led her on during that time and then "pooof" I made that feeling vanish. I remember Vanessa, fucking girl! I loved that girl like no other, I dont even know why, she just did it for me then. I wanted to be a "good guy", I met her a few months before I was due to move out to california, I was 19 and she was 17, at that age, its all good I guess. I remember this detail that she was a virgin, and I loved her so I chose not to take her virginity and move away, in my head that felt fucked up. So I just left it like that, we "dated" I guess over the phone for a few weeks, but when you are young all that goes away when theres that distance between two people. So she lost it to some other fool, years passed and I went back and saw her again, yeah we got intimate but it was not the same for me anymore. What did I want, for her to wait for me?? you gotta be kidding me. Life goes on and it did go on. One time, I heard her stop herself right as she was about to say "I love you". It was more like "I love y...yawwwwn" and go to sleep now. Somehow, it was as if you are trying to repair and old broken bone. Then I walked into a club and saw her with her fucking ex. This fool that also slept with Alexandra (yeah the girl from a few lines above). Thats when I drew the line, so I went to her house the next day to get my camera, and homegirl snapped a photo of my at first sight, I still have that photo, and my face has this expression of death. I never saw her again, she tried to contact me after, but fuck it. As much as I loved her and wanted to set her face on fire, I just let it be. Sometimes I think the more pain I feel the better it gets. I just love that fucking burning in my chest.
I remember so much more also, details and days and events that probably are useless to know or to dig up. How about Jenny Rose Stone?
god If I could just see her one more time and tell her how sorry I am and what an asshole I was. She was full of grace and sweet as they come. Tigra? ahhhh, she still knows I got mad love for her, I told her this a few weeks ago. This post is pissing me off and you know why? because hidden between all the good experiences, are trails of shit experiences that overall make me feel and look like an asshole. Glenda, if you knew how much I liked you, but then I slept with your friend. I was a bad person, im so fucking sorry. I dont even know why I acted like that, it just all seems so alien to me now. Then after so much emotional abuse and bad decision making, I meet Karen, who turns out to be the next big thing in my life, soon after, I go for vacations in Peru and run into Diana, who I grew up with and just ticked something in me that made me go wild. Can you really love two people at the same time? I guess. But Karen was enormous in my life, I truly and really really loved her to death. She is a pure soul that just wants to be happy, what more can anyone ask for? But not for me, I have this dark void that I cant pin-point. Its a bad cloud that follows me everything. I compare it to an ice sculpture and then I just walk by it and melt it to shit.
What I really think it all means is that I dont really deserve any of the things I have, not my limbs, my health or my brain. I have lived, seen and felt enough and If it was all to end tomorrow, I would be more than glad to go. Just worried about my mother crying herself to death. Crazy times I insist. But I am trying, with every breath and every morning to just get rid of this chip on my shoulder, to be an ok person at the least. I wish I could go back and make amends with many many people, sad thing is you only get one chance to make a lasting impression, I have failed so it only feels right to go far away, to a place where its just literally impossible to link to anything from my past. I long for that chance and that day, because to be honest, I do more harm than good, its just my nature. And sometimes, I forget people, they go right over my head and when I turn back, its just way too late.
this is it, there is no more writing or expressing. Those days are long over.
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